it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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