yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
