i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
