By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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