omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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