sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
