Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
