I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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