Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You need Xanax blowdarts
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
