george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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