At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
