I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
