I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
