4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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