last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
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Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
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As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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