I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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