She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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