my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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