wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
