you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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