Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
