Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
