I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
