If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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