u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
