The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
