I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
