I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
