I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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