if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
