I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
