I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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