Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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