the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
