I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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