If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
