I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
