sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
