I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
