Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
