im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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