I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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