FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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