I'm pants shitting drunk right now
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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