your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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