There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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