I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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