I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
