I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
