I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
