I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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