i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
