I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
