stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
