After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
